Sunday, October 12, 2014

Thoughts on Identity

It was bound to happen - a human can't possibly move that many times in that many years and have that many major events and job changes and life transitions without, at some point, collapsing under the weight of it all.

So, I'm not sure I should be surprised at the fact that my life began to crumble, slowly losing pieces of itself out from under me like a Jenga tower, waiting for that fateful removal of the one block that was holding it all up. 

I'm not even sure I felt myself falling. 

It was more like a sudden realization that I was no longer where I thought I was. In fact, I didn't know where I was at all. What's incredibly, paralyzingly worse was the amnesia-like realization that I had no idea - in the big picture of the thought - who I was or even where I wanted to end up. 

So I just sat there. 
Unable to move.

I had once been strong. A pillar. A person who sought the deep things and deep relationships and asked deep questions. And yet there I was, standing in the shallows, and then sitting in the surf. Being hammered by wave after wave of uncertainty.

I sometimes wonder if the sea has a memory - or if perhaps it is all of our memories, pooled together and washing us through with a common sense of our own humanity. Our own frailty. I would have liked to lay down and drink the salty water into my burning lungs to once and for all soothe the ache of an undefined life, but I knew that wasn't the answer. 

And so here I am - still sitting in the freezing surf, becoming partially preserved by being in the salt for so long. Wondering. 

If my legs are too numb to walk. 

There's a part of me that knows I am planted here, becoming one with the sand, unless I choose to get up. But the part of me that has endured for so long without really knowing why is unwilling to concede the idea until I know what it is I'm getting up for. What I'm walking toward. Gone are the days when I could be content to wander in aimless circles. 

None of what has gone before seems to fit anymore. I cannot define my future by way of my past. Trying to become what I once was is absurd, for I can only become what I am not yet. 

Change is coming. 


It is not a reinvention of self, but rather a reincarnation, of sorts. The phoenix, reborn out of the ashes of its predecessor - vaguely reminiscent of the same type of bird, and yet not the same bird at all. A new creation. One that must learn to fly and experience the world on its own terms, the memories of its past life more like the inexplicable wisdom of an old soul than a guiding force.  

I can just see the shape of things forming in the mist. A clear day is on the horizon. 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

To Be Found Beautiful...

Yesterday was my "self-pampering day". I have spent the last 2 weeks moving, cleaning, hauling stuff to the dump and goodwill, all in between working at three different jobs. So yesterday I gave the keys back on the old place and am finally only living in one place. My place. It's small but cozy.

I decided that this move would be different. I gave myself enough overlap time between renting the new place and moving out of the old that I could do it a little at a time. So, instead of boxing up everything and moving it over and then being surrounded by boxes of crap I have no room for and no idea what to do with, I only brought the absolute necessities, then I filled in with the rest of the special things.

The rest is gone. 

At any rate it's been a rough couple of weeks on multiple levels, so after I handed in the keys I treated myself to a manicure, a pedicure, a hair cut, and even a trip to Victoria's Secret for some new panties. TMI?

Hey, everyone wears panties. Theirs just happen to be cuter than average...So sue me. 

Here's my point. I'm sitting there in the nail salon for a couple of hours, watching people come and go, getting hands or feet soaked, rubbed, buffed, painted and otherwise beautified. Is this necessary? No, of course not. But if you've ever had a pedicure, in particular, you know that there's nothing like having your feet look and feel this amazing afterwards.

I digress...

What I saw on the faces of the majority of the women in there - and believe me, they were all shapes, sizes and ages - was not the excitement of pampering... it was insecurity... the inability to love themselves. How do I recognize this, you may ask?

Well...that's a whole other memoir...

At any rate, a young, thin, beautiful girl walked in wearing a pair of five inch heels and a tight skirt. She sat next to me, getting her nails done and yet she looked so sad. There was a band aid peeking out over the heel of one of her shoes - beauty is pain, right? But that band aid struck me. Here she was already so beautiful, going through so much pain and time and effort just to keep walking around looking beautiful. We all were there for the same reasons, really.

Wanting to be found beautiful.

Then I read this beautiful piece of prose written by one of my favorite young poets, Christopher Poindexter, and it stopped me.

"...the curves of your body I will read
like no man has before -
those silly fools failed to understand the pattern
they were searching for what the media tells them to search for -
skinny frame, thigh gap
nothing too excessive.

you are so beautiful
it hurts
and it isn't the kind of pain
that you ask to go away
but the kind you welcome warmly
as your voice begins to shake."

Every woman wants to be loved this way. 

That there are men out there who look beyond what's visible and see true beauty both astounds and encourages me. That this man is willing to share it with the world is priceless...Thanks Chris.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Letters From The Ledge new audio book version!

Well, it finally happened. Something I said I would be releasing actually got released!! Of course many thanks and total props go to the professionals over at Melody Wed, who did all the work recording, editing and producing this project!

Check it out here!

Would love some reviews on the audiobook project - I know I mostly buy things that other people say are awesome - so if you give it a listen, please do me a huge favor and go back and review it real quick! 

Thanks so much and have a fabulous day everyone!!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Something More

I am backing this amazing journey - a journey of selflessness, of love and of inspiration.

Three young men. One beautiful vision.

Please do yourself a favor and check it out - there's a great short video that explains their vision for the journey, then share the link on your Facebook pages and twitter and whatever else you can do!!

If everyone helps just a little, we can all be a part of helping them reach their goal! Let's make this dream a reality!!

Watch the video and then click this link to see more!

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Giveaway Success!

The free book promotion was a great success with nearly 2,000 digital copies given away over a five day period! Much love and shout outs to all those who promoted the giveaway on their blogs, Facebook pages and Twitter feeds! The Kindle version now has the new cover and the new style print editions will be coming very soon - hopefully within the next couple of weeks!

Thanks so much to "Ida-Cow"  and "Augray" - new readers who were kind enough to post reviews of the book on Amazon.

"This is a page turner of the best kind. Set in NYC, it's wonderfully descriptive of the mindsets of the various people who've either moved there, or lived their lives there and the interactions between them. But more importantly, and the main reason this book hit me so hard, was the angst of the Ledge sitter. And how one person, unwittingly can have life changing effects on people he may never meet. For me, it was an exquisitely written tale of dealing with pain, family, and life. I'd give this book to every teenager, no matter where they are living. But for those of us who look at the world and wonder why some of us don't make better choices, this was so fascinating. Just be prepared to stay awake because you may not be able to put it down…"

"I thoroughly enjoyed this novel. There were endless possibilities to other endings or creating a second writing continuing the story line. But, I am satisfied with the end. I would definitely read this author's writings again."

People really do read books based on other people's reviews, so if you've read the book and wouldn't mind leaving a review on Amazon I'd be super appreciative!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Free Book! Letters From The Ledge on Amazon is #9 for Coming of Age and # 20 in Women's Fiction!

It's still free, for four more days! Letters From The Ledge is, at the moment, #9 on Amazon's best seller's page for Coming of Age and #20 on the best seller's page for Women's Fiction … so if you haven't read it yet, please download it now and tell me what you think! Or better yet, post a link to the download on your Facebook and twitter feeds!

Thanks so much!

This is the link!!

Friday, February 28, 2014

Another FREE BOOK Promotion!

Hey y'all! I know things have been kind of **crickets** around the blog lately but I just wanted to let everyone know that starting Sunday, March 2nd and for 5 days until March 6th, Letters From The Ledge will be FREE on Amazon Kindle.

It doesn't get much better than FREE, so if you haven't read it yet, this is your chance, and if you have, please spread the word and let people know! Even if you don't own a Kindle device, the free, downloaded file can be read on any smartphone, tablet or PC with the FREE Kindle App. What are you waiting for??!!

You can find the link here!